The tall story I used to tell a girl

"So, let me be honest with you."

It was a hot, a humid night. The drizzly rain earlier did not help much.

The fan spun at full blast. It produced a scary hissing sound but the sweaty heat had not subsided.

I could not close my eyes. Every time I tried to fall asleep, I felt like it was the best time to stay awake.

I felt worried sick. My heart beat faster than any other nights. My mind prowled around -- there were a lot of things trying to take control.

I couldn't figure out what was the universe trying to tell me about.

I leaned against the bed. The picture of my late father slipped into my mind. How I wish he is still alive and talk to me like I am eight year old boy.

It was 2.32 am. Amidst the sound from the spinning fan, my ears could not capture any other sound.

It was a lonely night.

"This house is dead," I mumbled.

"No, it's not. I am."

I closed my eyes and took a very deep breath. I started to put number on the imaginary jumping sheeps.

Then suddenly, it happened. I could not believe how it happened. It happened so fast I did not have time to stop it.

I was betrayed. I was fooled. I had been cheated. I had been lied to.

My mind did not obey what had I instructed. It ran on its course.

But then, it was so powerful, I could not resist even if I do. I was helpless.

Now, what I feared the most had just come upon me.

He came.

Having a chat with that bald man and his wife really was a bad dream. Listen to them was not only a bad dream, but really was a fucking nightmare.

I woke up with tears. I felt so horribly terrible.

The only good news was, like any other dreams, I could not describe exactly how the story went. But the worst part, I do remember one scary and heart-breaking word.


I could not get it out from my head. It was such a curse. It is.

"That was the story why I hated him so much. "

What if I compile everything and put them in a book?

What say you?

Botol & Gelas

Bilamana kau bangkit dari satu lena yang lemas, dengan tubuh yang memberat dan melesu atas entah apa punca, nafas-nafas yang mengapas leluhur-leluhur dada -- sesah dan menyesakkan -- semuanya seperti menjalani satu kesan pelepasan (withdrawal) yang dahsyat daripada satu kesan intoksikasi yang jelak.

Kau hanya mahu bangkit, dan hanya mahu ia segera berakhir. Kau hanya mahu waras, dan lapang.


Kau mahu ludah keluar kelat sendu yang bertakung di dalam kerongkong.

Dunia ini arak. Rindu itu mabuk. Cinta itu cuai.

Aku dan kau, kita sama-sama mahu bebas, dalam kadar yang benar.

Dalam kadar yang cocok.

Tidak, aku mahu lepas, dan terus menjadi terurai.

Dan menghenti bingit dengung dosa lama yang tidak pernah diam berbicara.

Hosted by bad luck

Most people will agree that money and wealth conquer your mind and decision making. Without them, you will be left out -- rotten in fantasies and dreams.

We fear of being poor.

And because of this matter, we make our life busy. We try our best to have as much money and wealth as we can. We sacrifice our time and energy to gain them. We do two or three jobs just to get the feeling of enough.

We set standards and goals. We appreciate luxury items and abroad vacations. One house is not enough.

We educate and inculcate our children about the value of things. We tell the children, the only way to live in happiness, is to have all kind of things.

Success is, being a rich man. Surely, money is the root of all.

I might be wrong. Yes, you can look down on me. But, I am pretty sure something is wrong with our culture lately.

Wealth searching has killed sensitivity. Generosity is dying. No more room for emphatic. Common sense is history. Sharing the cake is not a good idea. Modesty, honesty, and kind-hearted are pushed away.

I don't know since when God's love is associated with Him giving big bucks.

Like I said, I might be wrong. But, I am pretty sure something is wrong with our culture lately.

Of course you can look down on me.

There will be a moment in life when you start to think where you are heading. Then you will know, what really matters.

Let us hope it is not too late.

In the name of my beloved self

That bald man, when he was a Defence Minister, I heard someone was killed. I heard something strange with the purchasing of submarines. The story had been lingering around for a quite long time. Some people linked him with the murder. Some said it was the wife who directly involved.

I didn't give a single flying finger.

He then took over the country with high hope before him. He started to lift the burden with a slogan and funny song.

And more slogans and funny songs aired.

Eventhough the money was used to pursuade (read buy) the voters, the coalition won with lesser margin than the previous election. Perhaps, it was the worst achievement since 1969.

Some people said, it was because of the curse of his beloved wife's ring.

I didn't give a single flying finger.

The Sulu men tried to invade. Five battalions of army bombarded them. Apparently, we didn't lost the battle, but disastrously China took away the claimed island in the South Sea.

No one knew the story until recently. (Now I got your eyes raise. Nevermind, we already lost Pulau Batu Puteh though).

Two planes were missing. One of the plane flew to the unknown. The other one was shot down. Nobody to be blamed.

He bought another private jet as retaliation.

Then the ship. Then the GST. Then the Low Yat. The interrelation between races became strain like never before.

I wonder why in the hell that ugly kipidap uncle was fabricated to exist.

Earlier than that, the worst ever flood in my life had occurred. In my ignorant, I saw no battalion of army was sent to do the help. No, not in my knowledge.

I cried when I saw him busy golfing with that black Uncle Sam.

Still, I didn't give a single flying finger.

And now, there are uproars about 1MDB scandal, the missing billions of fund, and the so-called donation.

The stock market and currency rate is depreciating so horrifyingly in 17 years.

He blamed Tun for making noises and attacking his administration. He accused Tun of plotting a conspiracy to overthrow him as a leader in an elected government.

I stopped reading newspaper.

If I put my mind and do some research, I could list down all the bad things happened within his tenure. But the worst thing was, surely his selection of ministers, advisors, and think-tankers.

Actually, I should not be worried upon all of these. I never went for voting. My voice is not worthy. Furthermore, who read anyways. Perhaps, I should only be thinking on how to improve myself -- get a steady job, big money, and joining materialistic race.

But, I had already lost my lust in such thing. Fate always cheats me.

My friend once said, "You have no luck in wealth-searching. Maybe you're destined for something greater."

I wish he was right.


That bald man should have known the old saying better than me.

For all the mess he is in now, it was all started when he first refused to speak the truth. He chose to.

He had the chance to clear off but he just went away, only listened to himself. And that minister with that fried rice, of course.

Or ministers -- he has so many blunt ministers.

I really think all of them should go for an urine test. The statements made by most of them were, ah. I mean, were they intoxicated, high on something?

People from all across the land are watching with itch. Recent explanation contradicts with previous one, keeps changing from time to time, and it goes on and on, and theories evolve.

"That bald man and his men cannot be trusted!!"

And the reputation has broken.

"Once you tell a lie, you need ten more lies to cover the lie." -- This is what I had been told since I was able to think. Imagining to invent a new lie everytime makes me suffer, and choke.

You can't calculate how it multiplies, can you? It is a simple mathematics, no? Ah, I will give you the answer shortly.

My late father taught me, if I ever wanted to commit a crime, do it professionally. "Don't leave your shit after shitting!" he once said.

"And don't get greedy."

I listened to my mother. I was not a criminal.

And my father wasn't too. Indeed, he never was. He just spurted out his dark side.

Or at least, perhaps, we got away.

Now, do you get the answer? Do you know how many times you have to lie just to convince one lie?

It is 2.6 billions times (read RM) -- and yet, that is what people could figure out conspicuously, heh.

And be afraid, be very afraid, they now have a reason, a strong reason to deny you.

I wonder how do you sleep at night (with another question of forty-two millions went missing under your pillow).