Your words are miraculous, I hear she says. Your envies are ridiculous, I hear she says. Your worries are superstitious, I hear she says. Your thinking are dangerous, I hear she says.
I nod.
Don't get me wrong, it just, maybe I am too ambitious, me says. Or perhaps too cautious, me says. Note, I speak in silent.
How do you want me to be, she says.
We are living in two different world. Apparently, after months of dating, we realize that we only share the passion -- the only thing that bonds us together. The temperature is always high, as she hardly think us as an item, or maybe I am alone have that kind of sight.
You are too critical, she says. I can't match with your faculty of thought, she says. And I'm still young, she says. Not as old as you, she says.
Yes, I am older than she is. Six years to be exact.
She is stepping on my past life trail and I am well awared about the challenges --- the all-I-want-to-do-and-change bull shit thing when I was at her age.
I'm afraid of many things, me says. Losing the one I love the most once again is on the top of it, me says. Note, I speak in silent.
You are insecure, too insecure, she says. Too insecure.
You don't believe in me, she says.
Well, I've been into many relationships from time to time and they didn't work out as planned. Eventually, I found a pattern -- a stigmatic judgment -- a simple non-mathematical equation to justify the level of affection. This mechanism designs me to be very discreet and careful towards a simple or even a slight change in voice, tone, dressing, appearance, treat, and gesture of my partner.
I hate it when someone labels me with something that I am not. And it doubles up when the one you admire, says it.
But anger doesn't solve problems, it is more likely fuel for fire. I don't want to add up more energy for arguing.
I think we have to go on separate ways, me says. We don't understand each other, me says. We are wasting our time, me says. This time, I speak out.
There are thoughts crossing my mind. When you love someone, you just love him/her no matter what, right? You always think about him/her every single second, right? In the busiest day of your life, you will find a way to spare some moment with him/her, right? And before you knowing it, you change, just because you want to be with him/her, right? You put him/her ahead of everything, right? You want him/her to be the best and you give the best of you for him/her, right? And it works for both. That is how people stick together for 100 years.
Yes, I'm ignorant, I am. I believe what I chose to believe. People cannot put their words to my mouth.
But I'm not arrogant enough to right what is wrong or to wrong what is right.
It's unethical. It's idiotic.
I'm not tired of loving you, me says. It just, I'm tired of getting in a situation, getting hurt, and hurt again, me says. Note, I speak in silent.
And suddenly, I remember what she had sms-ed earlier, "Some people are meant to stay in your heart but not in your life."
And I also remember what had I said to myself, just after receiving every heart-aching texts, "I could not tolerate this kind of behavior."
There are three words which always change the consequences of the world. They are the most powerful weapon of all kind. They are the wisest solution to end the war instead of raising up a gun.
And the three words are: I love you.
It sounds cliche, but yes, I, too, failed to decode the puzzle behind it.
Life should be joyous, me says, voiceless.
I love you, she says. And it brings down my strongest defense line.
I love you too, me says, almost without hesitation.
I am defeated. No, it is not defeated, it's completion of surrender.
The love I have in my heart is more precious than winning the argument.
I love her, really.
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