Di antara kesesakan trafik dan panik pengejar upah di Ibukota, di antara Jalan Tun Razak dan Bulatan Pahang yang sering penuh dengan jeritan harapan dan kemahuan, di antara Aqsa yang di-perjuang dan nyawa yang di-pertaruh-kan; ada aku yang cuba menghidup sebentuk pelangi

Awan senja -- dengan warna merah keemasan mengepung matahari yang meredup, di-lintas oleh ratusan merpati liar yang riuh, yang barangkali mahu mencari jalan pintas untuk pulang ke sarang inap -- seakan tidak mahu menghitam tanpa ada seruling yang bertiup.

Bunyi bandar tidak memberi damai. Bauan bandar hanya berbening bakar. Jiwa-jiwa lesu bertebaran lari, bertaburan ke sana-sini membawa riak rindu dan dendam -- menggendong beban khuatir, dan sesal, dan bimbang, dan gusar.

Angin tidak bernafas, hembusannya longlai dan pinar, semacam daya tiupan-nya terpukau lena, di-belai oleh tangan-tangan rakus berlumur dosa.

Aku menjalin air dalam udara.

Nun 1000 batu ke Timur Tengah, di sebalik kegopohan dan kegelojohan, di sebalik kejar-kejar dan tipu-daya, di sebalik kegerunan dan keimanan, sekujur jasad melepas lelah. Mata-nya terpejam, tubuhnya tersandar, tangan-nya erat menggenggam doa dan rintih. Fikir-nya terpimpin melangkah waktu.

Cita-cita, cinta, dan cerita -- semua melonggar dalam kalut kilauan pijar material dan hujan peluru.

Ada takdir tentang kemanisan yang telah tertulis. Ada takdir tentang kemanusiaan yang sedang di-tulis.

Ada takdir tentang kehidupan yang tidak pernah berhenti menangis.

Dan di sudut lain itu, ada aku, yang masih degil berlegar menanti terjadi sebentuk pelangi.

Lennon is dead, and so is Cobain

Imagine the world of peace, said the first person.

-- You are living in denial, rebuked the second one.

No races, no borders, no religions, no power, no systems, no ego, no nothing. It's a oneness and togetherness and love!

-- You are drunk. It is fun to lose and to pretend. Winning side is dangerous!

Both has died at 27, wearing jeans.

The disputation stays. The idea grows. The followers increase.

But nothing has really changed.

Only the sound evolves.

The Country Runs by Idiots, Bitches and Wankers

"They do not care! They do not care!"

We've had seen enough of the treacheries and deceits,
At the hands of corrupted minds and liars,
Wearing tongues of burning fire,
Coated with blood of
pride and prejudice of a sacred fight of others,
Singing supremacy in high note,
Pitching, "Promises! Promises!"
Brew and stew!
Preach and breach!
As the people are living in constant fear and anxiety and hatred,
I am told to be jolly and molly.

Hide the truth, blame the past, shout aloud,
Buy more time, win all.

"Win all!"

The day will come,
The nation will fall,
The rainbow will glow,
The truth will survive,

The love will rejoice.

Then, "Shall we start again?"

It is permissible and understood to be madly outrage when you have been cheated or lied to, but it is your own fault when somebody has successfully deceived you.

The failure to recognise, and to identify, and to read this fraudulent and forgery system we live in is not bliss -- it is merely a curse, even your best shrewd lawyers will smirk and shrug their shoulders.

The whole bunch of this programmed course of existence is a lie -- false idols, distorted beliefs, wrong purposes, misled concepts, counterfactual histories, erroneous educations, polluted idealogies, and so on -- and just like in every cosmetic propaganda, the reality is not always as the way as it seems to be.

In short word, faith has been disastrously corrupted. It has a new substitute, a god named ism -- materialism, humanism, atheism, feminism, and et ce tera.

This new incorporated pseudo-philosophical religion turns people into ignorance, power-and-fame-hunger-beast and wealth worshipping monster. It creates a generation of 'enlightened' -- a nihilist and worldly-gain oriented creature -- everyone is caught up in never-ending dreams, in secular rules and races, and in massive fear of poverty.

People become weak internally. Courageous fades. Seeking spiritual knowledge becomes estrange and unusable. It crumbles together with sanity. The most respectful person is the one who possesses the most money and influence.

The truth is no longer adored, yet abandoned.

You may say you are all aware about what is happening around the globe, and strongly against and oppose them, still, you are endorsing and engaged in their evil orders and agendas -- both concsious and subconsciously in your daily routines -- in the name of modernisation.

Life itself is a hard and painful journey. Trust me, it only can be lighter and better, if we know how to discharge the real enemy.

The real one who are poisoning and suffering us with all these new set of diabolical revelations and laws.

This is the wall in my room. I call it, 'Nothingness'.


The war is not a war. It is a strategic, a barbaric, and a risky move

No, I'm not seeking an attention by posting this. The attack on Paris makes me wonder and rethink about the so-called greatness of the European nations.

Amid of all the high achievements and development in technology, philosophy and civilisation, apparently they are not standing as best as claimed. They seem vulnerable, and exposed.

At first, one might think, why now? Why Paris? Where are their intelligence task forces? What is happen to the preemptive strike units? Don't they are so advance in dealing and intercepting subliminal messages?

How they could miss the communication?

Why is everything falls down so sudden?

In this case, hat off to the Malaysia Police Department in disseminate terrorism intelligence. Heh. I am pretty sure many of you will smirk in cynicism.

We see the same strange pattern here in Paris attack and also on WTC. Immediately, we were told that the attackers left their passports. This is so mind-boggling as after detonating themselves to ashes, and in WTC case, after burning themselves in awesomely 3000 Celsius flame, the passports remain intact.

This fact intrigues me. It wakes something up in me.

Why is in the hell they keep their passports safe instead of their lives? It is like a thief leaves his thumbprint at everywhere after a success robbery.

It is like a plan to me.

And like a thunderbolt, the most notorious image of Islamic group claims the responsibility, just like what Osama Ben Laden did last time over WTC.

Who are this filthy IS? Where are they getting their arsenals and funds?

What is happen to al-Qaeda now? Where is the weapon of world mass destruction gone?

I believe, both devilish, terrorism act couldn't take place unless someone desperately wants it and lets it to happen. Sooner or later, the truth prevails, again, just like in WTC crash, but anyhow, the world just only can grief in silent.

And I believe, like in a chess game, you have to sacrifice everything -- even your own best people -- just to let the queen survives -- and this attack drama will be a valid reason to gain another acceptance -- in another bigger move in games -- just to let someone survives.

Don't you get the picture?

Let's hope I'm wrong. Heh.

I wonder how time numbs us.

And how it leaves us.

One day, every of us will realise, the only thing matters now, is to preserve the dearly secret we hold to every of us.

Over years, it is the only profound thing that survives.

Yes. It is the best thing about us, of us.

No one else. Only us.

Last Supper

I read a lot of stuff regarding religions and spirituals. For some reason, they always catch my attention more than anything else.

I am a logic person, but I understand that certain thing requires faith to believe. Not everything can be explained in naked view -- like proton and neutron, nobody sees them literally but we can clearly explain its existence within the use of numbers and figures.

So, in my opinion, religion is not a blind faith. Faith comes later after several tests. And God and science must be parallel because He creates everything. He creates science There's no way of mistake or wrong or unknown.

What left is only undiscovered theories.

I find some stories in my reading are really amusing, and some of them are really confusing, and some of them I can classify them as undoubtedly misunderstandings.

Well, some of them are really inspiring.

One of the beautiful fact is, almost all religions have the similarities, including Hinduism and Zoroastrian -- especially the stories about Abraham (I will discuss later).

Last night, I watched 'The Passion of the Christ', again, for tenths of times. It was a brilliant Mel Gibson's piece in depicting the life of Jesus before the crucifixion took place.

In Christianity, they believe in Jesus -- the savior, the God, the Creator.

After watching the movie, like always, apart from its amazing screenplay, I can't help myself from questioning. There is something really wrong about the foundation of this faith I believe.

Christianity is a monotheistic religion as claimed. It means, there is only one God to be worshiped to.

Three Abrahamic religions -- Jewish, Christianity, and Islam, share the same God. But, they are different in practical and ritual.

As we all knew, Jesus prayed. If Jesus was God, how could He pray to God? Was Jesus praying to Himself? To whom He spoke to, and to who He sought for refuge?

Why God asks for forgiveness for the sin of others? And wait, why God asks for forgiveness in the first place?

Was Jesus a schizophrenic -- talking and mumbling to himself -- creating a vision as a sin-bearer (for His own creation!)?

I understand that this movie was intended for entertainment purpose. But in other side of the coin, it potrayed God was weak and powerless -- He failed to save himself and now, his followers said he came down to earth to save humanity!

Christians believe he was crucified, and died on the cross. God was killed? Does it means, the creator of heaven and hell and everything that crawl between it, was dead?

"He died for our sins" and how about the original sin? He had sacrificed Himself for all men, but now it seems like He did not accomplish the sin thing perfectly.

It doesn't make sense to me. I think this is wrong. So I begin my comprehensive search for the answer on this mystery.

In Jewish tradition, Jesus was no God. He was not anyone. Instead, He was a blasphemy. In Islam, Jesus was a prophet, a messenger of God -- a chosen man to receive His revelation. There is no way of God in human form. God is beyond depiction.

I stumble upon the idea of trinity -- the Holy Father, the Holy Spirit,  and the Son. The three in one, one in three thing is the most ridiculous amongst of all the doctrines. It contradicts with the idea of oneness of God.

It against simple mathematics.

Since God is so powerful, why He needs to be so many things -- at least in three different forms -- to deliver His message? Why can't He just be Himself?

Why would He come down to earth, degraded Himself like his own creation, and be killed by His own creation?

Why He needs three days to resurrect? Why He resurrect?

It says you need faith to believe, but my mind says, "a Proton car will never transforms to a Benz by faith."

I feel uneasy and uncomfortable in many aspects, but I keep on searching. I say, "God is much much better than that."

I read the story of nativity, and the creation in Genesis, and keep on going. I try not to treat the stories unjust. I try to be unbiased.

They were in Old Testament.

Then I stop. It goes from weird to absurd, to obscene. I was shocked to know the stories about Noah (he was an alcoholic), Lot (he committed incest with his daughters) and David (he had sex with one of his army's wife and set up a plot to kill him) and which were purely immoral and disgusting.

In Islamic tradition, the prophets are the one who guide you to the straight path. They are examples to be followed.

And as men of God -- persons who carry the words of God -- they are protected from bad doing and sinful deed.

But anyhow, in Old Testament, let alone its peculiarities, it clearly states that there is only one God to be worshiped. There is no trinity.

I continue. I go through Mark, Luke, Mathew and John. I also read about the histories, the personnel, the church, the book of act, and so on and so on.

I feel like I was having an intensive class -- a crash course -- for Christianity.

Because there are so many versions of the Bible, I start to ponder; Who are the writers of this books? Are they authentic -- purely from God?

I find more and more puzzles.

Then after days of trying to decipher, I slowly close and push away all the reading materials and with a slyly smile, I shake my head three times and whisper, "God is great, God is great."

How dare you, Paul?

And who the hell is Santa Claus by the way?

Faultlines Should Be Wore With Pride

I am very fond of religion. I believe, God does exist.

I am born Muslim, but it doesn't make me stop to think about other beliefs.

I always wonder what are they doing in other religion? What are them? What is their ultimate achievement?

How do they see life?

So I start to go deeper in Buddhism, just to understand what it is all about. I turn my head to Chinese. As a second biggest proportion in Malaysia's population, I can't be wrong, and I think it would be much easier for me to have the picture.

I failed miserably to get the real answer when I talked to a few Chinese. They didn't seem to know what were they doing or worshipping.

Most of the Buddhist here has converted to Christianity, and started to live with Jesus. And they changed their names to English names, not Jewish (Jesus was a Jew). However, they still celebrate Chinese-associated holy days.

After doing some reading, I travel back in time to India, the origin birth-place of the belief.

I have found some interesting yet disturbing fact -- not just about the karma and reincarnation thing -- and I am pretty sure not many of us knows about this, even its devotees.

If atheism is the absence of belief in gods, then every Buddhists are, indeed, atheists.

Traditionally, even the religion was derived from Hinduism (another belief which I will discuss later), Buddhism dismisses the concept of God, it rejects oneness of God, and it never mentions about the powerfulness of the Creator. God actually, is not an essential part of the religion. God plays no role in one's life. God has no influence, and even if He does, He lives in another realm -- and He eventually cannot do anything.

The only goal of life in Buddhism is to achieve nirvana -- which I think it is easier with the help of marijuana.

Buddhism is not about either believing or not believing in God or gods. Rather, the historical founder of Buddhism, Siddhartha Buddha taught that believing in gods was not useful for those who seek to realize enlightenment.

There is also nothing in the teachings of the Buddha that suggest how to find God, the owner of the universe.

As I go on with the reading, I notice that I don't find the importance of God in any term at any place.

In other words, God is unnecessary in Buddhism theology!

Well, there are a lot of things coming to my mind since. How do they pray then? To whom are they praying? If they commit sin, to whom are they should ask forgiveness? What is sin by the way? Who is set up the standards, the moral? And the burning of incense tradition, food-giving practice,  fire-crackers and all other superstitious rituals, surely are not for God, because God is not worshiped and not needed, according to the teachings!

So I come to the conclusion. I critically don't accept Buddhism is a religion anymore. It has no prominent god. It doesn't promote god. It is more to, er, the way you choose to live your existence -- a philosophy, a thought, a human-made rules to put some meaningful purpose to life, a no-god-interrelation concept -- which just like any other ism in the world, you might find more questions rather than answers when you start digging its truth.

I don't know, but as a human being, for something that unbound by divine orders, sects, and regulations, I strongly feel that Buddhism is a loose, anti-gravitational, unsound, and hollow ideology. The lack of God element in its foundation is confusing, distracting, contradicting, and conflicting, and the structure and fundamental are not solid, chaos, and indistinct -- to be regarded as a religion.

How are these personal attainment ideas captured so many hearts back then in China?  And why are their monks play more kungfu when they are supposedly practicing peace?

Someday You Will Find Me, Caught Beneath the 'Landslide'

"Well, get a grip. Don't get carried away. Don't stuck in moment. Past is past and it is over."

"Use your muscles to generate positive energy, good thought and fresh vibe."

"What you think is how thing will grow."

I never fall in love with motivational talk. They just say something you are dying to hear. They also love to potray all the good things just as in heaven.

Talk is cheap, yeah, everyone can talk.

"Do not giving up. Your time is not now. Your success comes late."

"Yours, tastes best!"

But somehow at this time, I'm still trying to comprehend his words in a very 'polite' manner. Being a scenic walking creature, it is hard for me to not to be influenced or succumbed to skeptical thoughts or provocative ideas.

He wore a white in colour robe. He had a clean, calm and glowing beardy face. He smiled all the way.

He must be an angel.

I secretly hope he was right in what he had told me earlier.

Wait, I was not in any forum or talk or seminar or crash-course. I was having my 'day to day basis thing just to celebrate my bore existence' in my favorite coffee shop.

I meet numerous people with many backgrounds. They are from different walk of life. What I love about meeting unknown people is, they always open new door in my desperation need of truth.

They inspire me with their captivating words, their extra-ordinary stories, their brainy insights and opinions, and the way they react and submit themselves over what had they been through in their life journey, is giving me something to ponder upon.

Life is lonely, dull, monotonous, and fucking routine. We are all drunk in it, and this kind of people is like a lime juice to keep you sober and awake over a strong intoxication.

But, not every meeting is a worth meeting. You must know when to get away from a non-conversation conversation.

Some of my friends wonder about my friendly behavior towards strangers. They don't know how to start or to prolong the conversation. They don't know how to react in a proper way.

They ask me for a tip.

I give them a middle finger.

Like I always say (perhaps propagate), I'm a people magnet. People talk to me because I am look-like their backyard boy.

I am a typical Malay boy in the street.

Or maybe the way I see things is not like what they are designed to see.

When I see people, I see chance. A chance to manipulate or exploit or vice-versa, and to learn something out of it. And it really does help me to understand about something, about big picture, about purpose -- the things you had missed to realize in every day life.

Life, like we have always been told to, is like a big puzzle, and we are all searching for its missing pieces --which is scattering all over in unexpected places -- and I believe, when the riddle is deciphered and the truth prevails, it will makes you wiser and better person.

Oh shit, I'm getting really old now.

I Bear the Burden of Being the Voice that Let You Know

New dawn has arrived, and I'm waiting for the sun to arise,
I begin my day with a question about how to live life, or it just another day to survive.

Cloud hangs over, and my lung breathes dust more than ever, Nothing seems clearer, and nothing seems sober,
Everywhere I go, I hear a whining and alarming sense of emergency and fear,
No, trust me, they will never give you a proper answer.

So, pardon me. Bring me a gun. Load the bullets in. Pull the trigger. Kill your doubts.

"Love is not a fate."

I wait at the bridge. From atop, I watch the cars pass. One by one.

I wonder if she might be.

"Head or Heart?"


Blogging, nampaknya tidak lagi semeriah seperti di awal kemunculan blogspot. Ramai penulis-penulis handal, kritikal dan berpengaruh telah menghilangkan diri, lesap entah ke mana -- mungkin saja telah tumpul idea atau sibuk berusaha membina keluarga.

Tidak dinafikan, aku rindui tulisan-tulisan bermutu.

Hmm, barangkali hanya aku saja yang masih menulis.


Hello there, adakah aku sendirian di sini? :(


"Definisi kejayaan itu bukan kaya dan berharta-benda," kata lelaki yang menyapa lalu duduk berkongsi meja dengan aku.

"Tak dapat dinafikan, dengan duit, kau dapat kuasai angan-angan, dan selesaikan banyak masalah," sambungnya, "tapi ramai orang Islam kita yang tersihir dengan harta!"

Aku dengar dan cuba hadam setiap butir kata-katanya. Aku fikir, dalam situasi sekarang, ada-nya teman yang boleh membuka leraian-leraian kusut hati adalah sesuatu yang melapang-kan.

Lagi pula, dia kelihatan lebih tua.

"Harta adalah pinjaman. Pinjaman adalah amanah. Dan amanah mesti dipulangkan!"

Aku diam dan mengangguk. Untuk seketika, aku berasa seperti bahu aku terbebas dari sebuah pasungan -- kerana aku tak punyai apa-apa harta dan posesi untuk dicagar-kan mahupun dipertanggungjawab-kan.

Untuk seketika lain-nya pula, aku berasa aku sedang merasai pahit dan terhina kerana rebah dalam sebuah perjuangan.

Lelaki ini, entah apa namanya, rancak dan betah berbicara. Raut wajahnya tenang, dan dia kerap bertanya mengapa aku seperti sedang dilanda resah dan gelisah, walaupun aku tidak menunjukkan.

Tersenyum, aku menidakkan tembakan dia. Terfikir juga, teruk sangatkah keadaan air muka aku?

Menghidup-kan sebatang nikotin, aku hembus asapnya ke langit. Suasana di sini agak sunyi, pengunjung-pengunjung kedai mamak ini telah beransur-ansur hilang.

"Perkara terbesar yang telah tiada di kalangan kita adalah, akhlak dan kasih-sayang."

Aku tak banyak membantah. Sekadar mencelah dengan anggukan, gelengan, isyarat mata, serta bunyi-bunyi satu hingga dua not yang panjang, aku biarkan lelaki ini menguasai suasana.

Lelaki ini beritahu aku sesuatu yang benar. Katanya, kemuliaan dan ketinggian manusia tidak lagi diukur dengan kezuhudan, ketakwaan, atau pemencilan diri terhadap keduniaan.

Ia kini di-ukur dengan seberapa banyak harta dunia yang wujud di dalam saku-nya. Dan seberapa pintar dia mengeksploit dunia untuk dunia.

"Kenderaan melebihi kegunaan, tempat tinggal melebihi keperluan, wang melebihi perbelanjaan, sedang ada ahli keluarga, sanak-saudara, bukan yang jauh-jauh, yang masih bertungkus-lumus dalam kesengsaraan."

"Hanya untuk terus menyambung hidup."

"Ini-lah realiti masakini. Hubungan kekeluargaan jadi asing. Kebanyakkan mereka lebih melebih-kan orang lain daripada ahli famili."

"Mereka semua, pasti dan pasti, akan di-adili dan di-tanya dengan keras."

Lelaki ini seperti masih bertenaga meneruskan kata. Celaka-lah, katanya, ke atas orang yang sendawa kekenyangan sedang ada kerabat keluarganya berlapar dan mengikat perut. Dia ada membacakan sepotong hadis nabi tentang hal ini yang mana aku tidak dapat menangkapnya dengan tepat.

"Tuhan Maha Penyayang. Maha Mengetahui. Maha Bijaksana!"

Setelah hampir satu jam, aku tersedar, dia tidak banyak bercakap mengenai diri sendiri. Dia lebih banyak bercerita tentang agama.

Dan dalam tempoh itu juga, aku acapkali mengurut-urut janggut -- menahan diri daripada mempamer ketidakselesaan kerana masa kesendirian aku dicerobohi lebih daripada kesanggupan aku.

Tuhan, jika dia ada-lah sebentuk utusan-Mu, tunjukkan-lah aku jalan keluar dari semua kehuru-haraan ini, atau sekurang-kurangnya, damaikanlah ribut di dalam sangkar rusukku.

Jika dia.

I don't know how to explain this. And I don't know how it happened.

Tulisan-tulisan aku di dalam simpanan memori komputer aku telah hilang. Semuanya, dan aku tiada walau satu salinan!


The tall story I used to tell a girl

"So, let me be honest with you."

It was a hot, a humid night. The drizzly rain earlier did not help much.

The fan spun at full blast. It produced a scary hissing sound but the sweaty heat had not subsided.

I could not close my eyes. Every time I tried to fall asleep, I felt like it was the best time to stay awake.

I felt worried sick. My heart beat faster than any other nights. My mind prowled around -- there were a lot of things trying to take control.

I couldn't figure out what was the universe trying to tell me about.

I leaned against the bed. The picture of my late father slipped into my mind. How I wish he is still alive and talk to me like I am eight year old boy.

It was 2.32 am. Amidst the sound from the spinning fan, my ears could not capture any other sound.

It was a lonely night.

"This house is dead," I mumbled.

"No, it's not. I am."

I closed my eyes and took a very deep breath. I started to put number on the imaginary jumping sheeps.

Then suddenly, it happened. I could not believe how it happened. It happened so fast I did not have time to stop it.

I was betrayed. I was fooled. I had been cheated. I had been lied to.

My mind did not obey what had I instructed. It ran on its course.

But then, it was so powerful, I could not resist even if I do. I was helpless.

Now, what I feared the most had just come upon me.

He came.

Having a chat with that bald man and his wife really was a bad dream. Listen to them was not only a bad dream, but really was a fucking nightmare.

I woke up with tears. I felt so horribly terrible.

The only good news was, like any other dreams, I could not describe exactly how the story went. But the worst part, I do remember one scary and heart-breaking word.


I could not get it out from my head. It was such a curse. It is.

"That was the story why I hated him so much. "

What if I compile everything and put them in a book?

What say you?

Botol & Gelas

Bilamana kau bangkit dari satu lena yang lemas, dengan tubuh yang memberat dan melesu atas entah apa punca, nafas-nafas yang mengapas leluhur-leluhur dada -- sesah dan menyesakkan -- semuanya seperti menjalani satu kesan pelepasan (withdrawal) yang dahsyat daripada satu kesan intoksikasi yang jelak.

Kau hanya mahu bangkit, dan hanya mahu ia segera berakhir. Kau hanya mahu waras, dan lapang.


Kau mahu ludah keluar kelat sendu yang bertakung di dalam kerongkong.

Dunia ini arak. Rindu itu mabuk. Cinta itu cuai.

Aku dan kau, kita sama-sama mahu bebas, dalam kadar yang benar.

Dalam kadar yang cocok.

Tidak, aku mahu lepas, dan terus menjadi terurai.

Dan menghenti bingit dengung dosa lama yang tidak pernah diam berbicara.

Hosted by bad luck

Most people will agree that money and wealth conquer your mind and decision making. Without them, you will be left out -- rotten in fantasies and dreams.

We fear of being poor.

And because of this matter, we make our life busy. We try our best to have as much money and wealth as we can. We sacrifice our time and energy to gain them. We do two or three jobs just to get the feeling of enough.

We set standards and goals. We appreciate luxury items and abroad vacations. One house is not enough.

We educate and inculcate our children about the value of things. We tell the children, the only way to live in happiness, is to have all kind of things.

Success is, being a rich man. Surely, money is the root of all.

I might be wrong. Yes, you can look down on me. But, I am pretty sure something is wrong with our culture lately.

Wealth searching has killed sensitivity. Generosity is dying. No more room for emphatic. Common sense is history. Sharing the cake is not a good idea. Modesty, honesty, and kind-hearted are pushed away.

I don't know since when God's love is associated with Him giving big bucks.

Like I said, I might be wrong. But, I am pretty sure something is wrong with our culture lately.

Of course you can look down on me.

There will be a moment in life when you start to think where you are heading. Then you will know, what really matters.

Let us hope it is not too late.

In the name of my beloved self

That bald man, when he was a Defence Minister, I heard someone was killed. I heard something strange with the purchasing of submarines. The story had been lingering around for a quite long time. Some people linked him with the murder. Some said it was the wife who directly involved.

I didn't give a single flying finger.

He then took over the country with high hope before him. He started to lift the burden with a slogan and funny song.

And more slogans and funny songs aired.

Eventhough the money was used to pursuade (read buy) the voters, the coalition won with lesser margin than the previous election. Perhaps, it was the worst achievement since 1969.

Some people said, it was because of the curse of his beloved wife's ring.

I didn't give a single flying finger.

The Sulu men tried to invade. Five battalions of army bombarded them. Apparently, we didn't lost the battle, but disastrously China took away the claimed island in the South Sea.

No one knew the story until recently. (Now I got your eyes raise. Nevermind, we already lost Pulau Batu Puteh though).

Two planes were missing. One of the plane flew to the unknown. The other one was shot down. Nobody to be blamed.

He bought another private jet as retaliation.

Then the ship. Then the GST. Then the Low Yat. The interrelation between races became strain like never before.

I wonder why in the hell that ugly kipidap uncle was fabricated to exist.

Earlier than that, the worst ever flood in my life had occurred. In my ignorant, I saw no battalion of army was sent to do the help. No, not in my knowledge.

I cried when I saw him busy golfing with that black Uncle Sam.

Still, I didn't give a single flying finger.

And now, there are uproars about 1MDB scandal, the missing billions of fund, and the so-called donation.

The stock market and currency rate is depreciating so horrifyingly in 17 years.

He blamed Tun for making noises and attacking his administration. He accused Tun of plotting a conspiracy to overthrow him as a leader in an elected government.

I stopped reading newspaper.

If I put my mind and do some research, I could list down all the bad things happened within his tenure. But the worst thing was, surely his selection of ministers, advisors, and think-tankers.

Actually, I should not be worried upon all of these. I never went for voting. My voice is not worthy. Furthermore, who read anyways. Perhaps, I should only be thinking on how to improve myself -- get a steady job, big money, and joining materialistic race.

But, I had already lost my lust in such thing. Fate always cheats me.

My friend once said, "You have no luck in wealth-searching. Maybe you're destined for something greater."

I wish he was right.


That bald man should have known the old saying better than me.

For all the mess he is in now, it was all started when he first refused to speak the truth. He chose to.

He had the chance to clear off but he just went away, only listened to himself. And that minister with that fried rice, of course.

Or ministers -- he has so many blunt ministers.

I really think all of them should go for an urine test. The statements made by most of them were, ah. I mean, were they intoxicated, high on something?

People from all across the land are watching with itch. Recent explanation contradicts with previous one, keeps changing from time to time, and it goes on and on, and theories evolve.

"That bald man and his men cannot be trusted!!"

And the reputation has broken.

"Once you tell a lie, you need ten more lies to cover the lie." -- This is what I had been told since I was able to think. Imagining to invent a new lie everytime makes me suffer, and choke.

You can't calculate how it multiplies, can you? It is a simple mathematics, no? Ah, I will give you the answer shortly.

My late father taught me, if I ever wanted to commit a crime, do it professionally. "Don't leave your shit after shitting!" he once said.

"And don't get greedy."

I listened to my mother. I was not a criminal.

And my father wasn't too. Indeed, he never was. He just spurted out his dark side.

Or at least, perhaps, we got away.

Now, do you get the answer? Do you know how many times you have to lie just to convince one lie?

It is 2.6 billions times (read RM) -- and yet, that is what people could figure out conspicuously, heh.

And be afraid, be very afraid, they now have a reason, a strong reason to deny you.

I wonder how do you sleep at night (with another question of forty-two millions went missing under your pillow).

Hari Raya has passed by, and as for me, amid its typical-pseudo-happiness celebration, it was quite a sentimental day.

I lost my uncles, literally and metaphorically. Death boat sails on its term, waiting for no one, giving no sign.

The good thing was, I spent the days to recuperate my strength, my energy, my mind. I hid myself in self-pity -- a sweet time for reconciliation and rejuvenation.

So, here I am today. I wake up with a big signage behind my back. It says, don't believe in 'good intention'.

Well, I believed. I always believe. Like, just believe.

I heard many stories. They contradict with each other. But, being me, I don't give a single flying fuck. Life goes on, round and round.

Truth comes late, as usual.

My struggle, my time, my hardship, my everything, are worth not even a penny. Worse, I am now strangled in huge debt.

This pain, like a big punch on the face, is temporary, and I hope this broken spirit, will soon fade away.

But don't be fret, little piggy. Just get away with a big thank you.


Aku jarang mengulas sesuatu yang sedang berlaku di dalam negara -- jika ada pun, aku hanya menembak secara sinikal. Insiden yang berlalu di Low Yat telah mencetus sedikit adrenalin untuk aku menulis.

Ia bukan sekadar persoalan tentang sebuah telefon bimbit.

Dan ia juga bukan persoalan penindasan.

Ia berkaitan maruah dan harga diri.

Lupa-kan sebentar perjuangan dan ideologi kepolitikan kamu yang tohor. Lupa-kan seketika polemik kebencian dan sokongan.

Sekian lama bangsa Melayu terpaksa bersikap apologetik terhadap bangsa-bangsa lain. Apa-apa sahaja yang berkaitan dengan kebangsaan Melayu, ia dengan mudah dipatah-patahkan dengan hujah-hujah yang kadangkala terlalu rapuh dan diselit dengan unsur-unsur Islamik.

Aku mungkin dituduh bersikap rasis dan perkauman. Ya, kerana aku seorang bangsa Melayu.

Masih ingat-kah kita dengan menteri Melayu yang terkial-kial memohon maaf setelah mencium senjata keramat orang Melayu? Masih ingat-kah tentang Kiki dengan kunci stereng-nya? Masih ingat-kah kita dengan parti-parti berteras bangsa Melayu dan Islam terpaksa menggadai asas perjuangan demi undi bangsa lain?

Aku hanya meminjam tiga contoh mudah. Aku mampu, jika aku mahu, menulis dengan panjang lebar peristiwa-peristiwa lain yang menyebabkan orang-orang Melayu berasa hampa dan malu dengan jenama Melayu dan menjadi Melayu.

Bercambahnya Melayu modernis -- konon liberal dan bebas -- telah menyebabkan kelompok besar bangsa Melayu berasa kian tersisih dan terasing. Lambang Melayu menjadi sesuatu yang jelek, sesah dan hina -- tidak lagi menjadi sesuatu yang harum dan kekar. Kompleks inferioriti menjadi semakin menebal -- perkara yang cuba dibunuh oleh Tun tetapi tergendala bilamana kekuasaan bertukar.

Insiden yang berlaku di Low Yat telah membuat ramai orang Melayu membuka mata. Mereka terkesan dan malu tentang bagaimana seorang budak lelaki (23 tahun) boleh menjadi begitu berani dalam mempertahankan hak dan kebenaran.

Berada di Low Yat, beliau seolah-olah sedang menjulang keris di dalam perhimpunan DAP!

Perasaan ini dikongsi. Rasa terharu berubah menjadi sebentuk semangat. Dan sebentuk semangat berubah menjadi sebentuk kuasa -- rasa yang telah lama terkikis dek kegagalan sistem dan pemimpin yang bersikap apologetik, dungu, cuai, dan mata duitan.

Ia bukan lagi sekadar berkenaan dengan sebuah telefon bimbit.

Dengan kekuasaan politik yang kian merosot, dengan keadaan ekonomi yang semakin meruncing, dengan perpaduan yang parah meluntur, munculnya pemuda ini persis David menentang Goliath!

Aku mungkin silap, tetapi bangsa ini memerlukan seorang David -- yang tidak terpesona dengan harta, tidak terpalit tahi skandal, dan hidup berdenyutkan nadi rakyat -- untuk kembali bangkit menjadi waras.

It was a hot, humid night.

The fan spun at full blast. But it didn't help much.

I could not close my eyes. Every time I tried to sleep, I felt like it was the best time to stay awake.

I sweated. My heart beat faster than any other nights. My mind prowled around -- there were a lot of things trying to take control.

I couldn't figure out what the universe was telling me about.

I leaned against the wall. The picture of my late father slipped into my mind.

I looked at the big digital clock. It was 2.32 am.


"Don't get confused with my personality, and my attitude."

"My personality is who I am."

"My attitude towards you depends on who you are."

"And how you had made me feel."


I can't write.


Ia satu malam yang panas dan merengsa. Badan Zali belengas dengan keringat dan memancar aroma maskulin yang tajam menyengat. Beberapa kali Zali mengeluh dan mencerca hari.

Rita, isteri Zali juga begitu. Dia tidak pula terganggu dengan bau tubuh Zali, bahkan amarah dia sama naik. Entah angkara musibat dosa si puaka mana yang sialkan dunia, rungutnya.

Pendingin hawa yang dipasang seakan hanya terbitkan desir yang hingar. Kipas yang berputar seperti memusar haba yang membakar. Zali dan Rita berasa seolah-olah sedang disalai di dalam sebuah ketuhar.

Dengan mulut yang tidak serik dengan carutan, Zali bangkit menuju ke tingkap. Daunnya ditolak kasar dan dibuka seseluasnya -- dengan harap ada bayu salju akan datang mengulit tubuhnya. Dia mengertap gigi dan matanya meliar berapi -- menyembunyikan dendam kepada entah siapa.

Rita juga bingkas ke bilik mandi. Dia terkumat-kamit melontar makian.
Tombol dipulas sekuatnya semacam melampias kebencian yang maha dahsyat. Dengan rambut yang tidak terurus dan mengerbang, dia seperti kerasukan.

"Jahanam! Jahanam! Jahanam!!"

Zali menghamun lagi.

"Celaka! Celaka! Celaka!!"

Rita mencaci lagi.

Ia benar-benar satu malam yang panas dan merengsa. Hanya ada bunyi pungguk sayup-sayup, barangkali keletihan menagih rindu sang rembulan.


Pagi itu, seluruh kampung terkejut dan terpinga-pinga. Semua berpusu-pusu menghala ke kediaman Ketua Kampung, setelah lolongan ketakutan Neng Imah, orang gaji Zali dan Rita, bergema ke pelusok kampung merayu bantuan.

Semua berasak-asak mahukan jawapan dan kepastian. Semua berkejar-kejaran sesama sendiri mahu jadi yang pertama sampai. Semua bergasak-gasak mahu jadi nombor satu yang tahu, mahu jadi nombor satu yang sibuk, dan masing-masing mahu menonjolkan yang dia tidak ketinggalan.

Rumah tak hangus, tercuit api pun tidak, bagaimana mungkin Zali dan Rita rentung di atas kamar beradu, berpelukkan pula? Apa ada ilmu salah yang mereka amal? Si syaitan yang tiada perikemanusiaan mana yang telah membuat onar? Bala dari Tuhan apa yang sedang dan bakal mereka tanggung?

Ketua Kampung jadi gamam dan tidak keruan. Dia tiada jawapan. Dia tiada kesimpulan. Dia tidak faham. Kalau fasal rungutan harga barang keperluan naik, fasal GST, fasal Syiah, fasal rasionalisasi subsidi, fasal anasir subversif Kristianisasi, fasal demonstrasi terpimpin, fasal krisis 1MDB, boleh juga dia terang sedikit sebanyak lantaran dia juga baru pulang dari seminar pencerahan anjuran pemerintah. Ini tidak. Dia benar-benar bingung, hairan, bimbang dan terselit juga sedikit kekaguman dan takjub dengan apa yang berlaku. Ratusan orang di hadapan rumahnya seperti hari ini adalah satu pemandangan yang asing -- hampir tidak pernah berlaku sepanjang menyandang karier sebagai ketua kampung lebih empat dekad.

"Aku kena tenangkan mereka! Aku kena tenteramkan mereka!" bisik Ketua Kampung kepada dirinya, sedang yang sebetulnya, dia sendiri berada di dalam emosi yang huru-hara. Tambahan lagi, dia belum sempat menjamah sarapan.

"Ini satu malapetaka! Ini satu petanda!" bisik hati Ketua Kampung lagi. Tangan kirinya cuba menyorok tangan kanannya yang menggeletar kuat. Dia berdiri di tengah-tengah kepungan penduduk kampung, mengamati setiap wajah yang sama-sama terdiam sabar menanti arahan, kata putus, dan tindak balas. Ada yang teresak-esak, ada yang menggigil, ada yang buat-buat berbisik, ada yang tertunduk dungu, ada yang berdiri memeluk tubuh dengan muka angkuh, ada yang berselindung di sebalik orang ramai kerana khuatir dicurigai dan disedari, ada yang menongkat dagu dan berkerut seribu, dan ada yang bersikap dingin, menepuk-nepuk bahu serta belakang penduduk lain yang keliru. Ada yang sedang mencangkung, seperti melukis-lukis sesuatu di atas sepanduk.

Ada juga beberapa yang ralit melintas-lintas jari di atas telefon.

"Panggil Neng Imah!" teriak Ketua Kampung, tiba-tiba.

Penduduk kampung akhirnya melepas nafas lega dan mengangkat muka bercahaya. Nampak gaya, Ketua Kampung sudah punya ilham dan akal tentang punca dan siapa punya angkara. Jika tidak, pastinya Tok Ketua hanya mundar-mandir ke hulu ke hilir macam Siti Hajar mencari air. Tidak sia-sialah mereka menunggu dan berkumpul berhimpit-himpit sejak pagi, fikir mereka. Buah fikir Tok Ketua pasti bernas. Bukankah Tok Ketua ada ijazah dalam pengajian ilmu bahasa?

Nun berselang satu balingan batu, ketika semua orang kelihatan kelam-kabut cuba mentafsir kejadian, kedua-dua jasad Zali dan Rita masih belum ada tanda-tanda akan berhenti mengeluar asap hitam dan bau tengik.


Neng Imah masih pucat-lesi. Mulut dia berbuih-buih seperti air sabun semasa diseret menghadap. Mata dia melilau ke sana-sini. Semua soalan Ketua Kampung tidak berjawab. Hanya bebelan bahasa yang aneh terbit dari kerongkong Neng Imah. Sekejap-sekejap dia menjerit nyaring. Sekejap-sekejap dia merintih-rintih sedih. Sekejap-sekejap tubuh dia menggelepur dan kejang. Macam kena sawan babi, cuma tolak kancing gigi.

Penduduk kampung semakin resah-gelisah. Zali dan Rita ini bukan calang-calang orang. Mereka orang ada nama. Mereka orang punya harta. Mereka orang terkenal. Kampung-kampung seberang juga tahu siapa mereka. Mereka murah hati dan jarang benar berlaku sombong atau kurang menyenangkan. Minggu sudah, mereka baru sahaja sedekah beras berguni-guni untuk diagih-agih kepada mangsa banjir yang terlepas bantuan kerana berbeza fahaman politik. Kalau ada kenduri-kendara pula, Zali dan Rita tidak pernah lokek beri bantuan. Pendek kata, mereka berdua sememangnya dihormati dan disayangi ramai.

Zali dan Rita bukan macam orang lain, yang hidup atau mati tidak beri rasa ada dan tiada. Pada zaman yang semuanya berkisar perihal duit, duit, dan duit ini, Zali dan Rita, mereka berdua adalah ikon, satu tahap yang mana perlu dicemburui dengan cerdik oleh bumiputera. Pernah dapat tawaran gelaran Dato' dan Datin dari negeri Melaka, tapi mereka tolak dengan baik. Katanya, dengar-dengar cerita kena bayar dalam RM 90,000.00. Kata-nya-lah.

Peristiwa ini sememangnya mimpi ngeri. Peristiwa ini, jika tidak ditangani dengan terurus, akan mencemar keharmonian Kampung Batu Kasap. Nama baik kampung pasti akan tergugat teruk. Pasti, ini satu konspirasi. Pasti, ini gara-gara dengki, khianat, dan irihati. Pasti, pasti, pasti!

Angin tiada, ribut tiada, tiba-tiba terbakar hangus, pasti ada dalangnya!

Seseorang mesti bertanggung-jawab! Atau er, dipertanggungjawab!

Atau, mungkin saja hanya kerana gagal memahami, mereka terlalu takut untuk mengakui kejahilan sendiri, dan memaksa penafian merampas kewarasan dalam berkeputusan.


Perkarangan rumah Ketua Kampung mulai riuh dengan bicara-bicara yang bertindih. Kepetahan Tok Ketua yang selalu menakjub ketika mengulas dan memutar sesuatu isu, tidak lagi menjadi sesuatu yang mempesona. Tiba-tiba, secara serentak, ramai menjadi doktor dan saintis, memberi pelbagai preskripsi, diagnosis, dan hipotesis. Suara-suara sumbang, sinis dan kritis beredar laju, dan halaman sosial dalam alam maya penuh dengan kemaskini status yang bukan-bukan, ada yang seksis, ada yang negatif, ada yang puitis, dan banyak sekali yang tidak membantu.

Ada juga yang curi-curi tonton jenaka Ustaz Azhar Idrus di YouTube.

Ketua Kampung tidak pupus idea. Dia tak ralat. Kali ini, dia tersenyum sendiri memikirkan percaturan yang bakal dia ambil. Dia pernah tanggung azab ujian yang lebih dahsyat daripada perihal remeh-temeh seperti ini. Pengalaman semasa dikerah menjalani latihan askar wataniah segera mengimbau di dalam matanya. Itu belum dikira lagi semasa dia menjadi tawanan komunis -- disoalsiasat dan diseksa selama 2 minggu hanya semata-mata terima jawatan ketua kampung dari kerajaan dan ada radio.

Tapi itu semua tidak sedahsyat pengalaman ketika ditahan 398 hari di Kem Kemunting. Tapi itu cerita lain.

Ketua Kampung membulat tekad. Hal ini mesti diselesai segera. Dia mahu mempertahan reputasi. Dia tidak mahu kelam-kabut ini berlanjutan sehingga menetaskan perpecahan hati dan reformasi. Dia mahu hayat-hayat akhirnya berakhir dengan aman. Penjenayah ini mesti diadili. Kacau-bilau ini mesti diatasi sebelum merebak menjadi barah. Tetapi, sebelum itu, sebelum hari melabuh tirai, sebelum surut gelora air pasang, si durjana ini mesti dikenalpasti!

Secepat mungkin!

"Bawa Zali dan Rita ke sini!!" tempik Ketua Kampung, lantang, jelas, dan tegas. Dia meludah air liur ke tanah dan menggesek-gesek dua-dua belah tapak tangannya. Matanya menjegil.

Semua orang seolah-olah bersepakat berpandangan sesama sendiri. Ada tanda soal besar keluar dari hembusan nafas mereka.

Dalam hati, mereka berdoa ia bukan seperti kes selfie seorang pak menteri bersama seperiuk nasi goreng bersama hirisan-hirisan timun.

Ah! Kali ini mesti menjadi!