Di pinggir bandaraya Kuala Lumpur, atau barangkali lebih tepat dirujuk sebagai Kotaraya Durjana, dia, HE, seorang Martian, seorang Machiavellian, seorang jantan, sedang duduk merenung kosong gelas minuman yang berisi koktel delusi. Dia mungkin saja tak memahami -- the general purpose of life -- atau maksud segala-gala di sebalik apa yang telah dan bakal dia lalui.

HE, juga barangkali, menyertai antara jutaan jiwa yang menjadi mutan, yang hanya mahu berhidup di atas bumi, yang telah kalis terhadap virus-virus dan energi tipikal golongan populis, telah berhasil menemui satu titik -- a turning point -- which had led him to realize -- as the world has nothing to offer, death perhaps would be less suffering.

HE, sarat membawa jiwa yang panik dengan beban persoalan tentang visi dan misi kewujudan, selalu beranggapan, pencarian definisi hidup dan relevansi-nya kepada seseorang bermula bila sahaja dia mulai rindu pada kematian, dan kegentaran terhadap bagaimana untuk melalu kehidupan, bukan menjadi ancaman.

HE, mungkin juga barangkali, tidak sesekali tahu bahawa apa yang dia mahu lari-kan diri dari selama ini, adalah perkara yang benar-benar telah membunuh-nya.

Terbuta dengan keinginan dan kemahuan yang tak tertanggung untuk menakluk dunia, HE, telah memulakan satu epik perjalanan kehancuran emosi yang berhati-hati. Satu hal yang terjelas, dia tidak mahu dengan rela terjerumus secara eksklusif dengan si Venus -- menurutnya, si Venus adalah anak kunci kepada jalan kesengsaraan -- dan dia lebih mengarah-kan hidupnya fokus dan berpusat kepada pencarian keagungan dan keabadian serta pengiktirafan -- musik, arts, dan semua perkara-perkara abstrak yang diletaknilai oleh manusia -- which legitimately, he was never good at.

Melihat dunia dari sudut pemahaman dan kanta yang bertentangan dengan massa, HE telah paksa-kan satu standard matlamat untuk dia capai, sebelum segala-gala-nya beruraian menjadi debuan partikel.

“I wanna be immortal¹ !” dia kata dalam hati, penuh semangat, sebelum menyudah-kan hirupan jus terakhir.

Duduk berseorangan di dalam kesunyian² bar, dia melirik ke arah seseorang.

Dan dia tersenyum.

----------------------------------------------------

¹ Kekal, diingati, hidup, atau rujukan oleh semua pemuja dan pencela untuk jangka masa selama-lama-nya.

² Unaccompanied.

----------------------------------------------------

**

Seorang Archimedes pernah jerit-kan “Eureka¹!” bilamana dia bertemu dengan pencerahan². Seorang ahli matematik -- setelah berjaya merungkai-kan permasalahan dalam persamaan kuantum nuklear yang rumit -- juga telah menulis dalam kitab-nya, perihal yang hampir sama. Dan seorang penyair eksistential tempatan, secara sinikal-nya pernah laung-kan perkataan itu tatkala dia dipanah dengan momen-momen keajaiban -- menurut pengertian dalam konteks-nya.

----------------------------------------------------

¹ Archimedes telah menemu-kan teori yang mengata-kan daya apung (buoyancy) sesuatu objek ada-lah sama dengan berat air yang disesar-kan oleh objek (Buoyancy = weight of displaced fluid) ketika beliau mahu mandi.

² Pencerahan yang dimaksud-kan bukan berkenaan dengan pencerahan seperti yang dialami oleh Siddhārtha Gautama Buddha di bawah Pohon Bodhi.

----------------------------------------------------

Jadi, HE, setelah lebih separuh hayat-nya terpasung dengan rantaian-rantaian teka-teki hitam, setelah diri-nya bangkit dari mimpi-mimpi orgasme sang Freudian, tanpa ragu-ragu, telah pekik-kan, “Eureka!” bilamana dia rasa telah lengkap-kan puzzle-puzzle kecil yang bertaburan di dalam dada-nya.

“Bitches love me!” dia kata dengan puas, buas, penuh yakin, lalu tersenyum dalam kesinisan, seraya merangkul kembali tubuh lesu yang berbalut selimut di sebelah-nya.

Dia, HE, seorang Martian, seorang Machiavellian, seorang jantan, mungkin tak pernah mengalami debaran rasa-rasa cinta¹ sebenar, tetapi -- perhaps he had been blessed with the ability, or had been cursed with the idiocracy -- dia juga tak pernah gagal dalam menikmati dan melunas-kan keperluan asas biologi-nya.

"I'm gonna make you scream now!" dia berbisik di telinga tubuh lesu itu.

----------------------------------------------------

¹ Cinta, menurut-nya, tidak wujud, dan yang wujud hanya-lah aksi untuk membiak dan menguasai. Cinta, adalah rensponsif pra-matang, dan sama sahaja seperti perasaan takut, ia juga hadir untuk satu tempoh. Cinta juga adalah sebentuk kegilaan yang bersifat sementara selain sebagai justifikasi untuk pertukaran cairan seminal, dan menurut-nya lagi, indah atau buruk-nya ada-lah seperti tindakbalas pemahaman terhadap kisah Lucifer yang telah terlalu diperbesar-besar-kan dan di-tanam secara intensif ke dalam hati-hati manusia sedang yang nyata, ia adalah sebuah dongengan.

----------------------------------------------------

Sejelasnya, dia tak mahu terperangkap dalam kekarutan janji-janji palsu alam utopia¹, dan dia tak mahu terlemas dan terkekang kepada ketaatan mengemudi komitmen dan tanggung-jawab. Dia percaya, you are free to exist, life is a factum-brutum, and as an agnostic himself, moral hanya untuk moralis² dan sebagai manusia yang tak terikat dengan mana-mana dan apa-apa doktrinasi, dia mahu bebas untuk hidup bebas dan tidak dipengaruhi oleh sebarang ideologi ketika membuat pilihan dan keputusan.

----------------------------------------------------

¹ Cerita-cerita indah dan retorikal tentang kemanisan hubungan vagina-testis dan kehidupan pasca perkahwinan.

² Kelompok manusia yang mahu membetul-kan kelompok manusia lain atas nama penyucian dan pembaptisan terhadap, apa yang sebenar-nya ada-lah, alter-ego mereka sendiri.

----------------------------------------------------

Dia tak mahu, kryptonite -- apa yang dipanggil oleh manusia sebagai garis panduan dari Tuhan -- perkara yang diperdebat hebat di kalangan sejagat -- subjek sensitif yang telah dan sedang dan bakal membuat dunia sentiasa bergolak dan bergerak ke arah kebinasaan -- akan melemah-kan, akan menghancur-kan, akan mencerai-berai-kan kehidupan yang sedang dia nikmati.

Bagi-nya, dia hanya mahu hidup dan mati dalam ribut kompleksiti fakulti minda-nya yang tersendiri.

Bebas, tanpa ada belenggu-belenggu halusinasi (daripada adat, budaya, agama, kekeluargaan, serta ketakutan akibat ketidakupayaan untuk memahami) yang dapat mengikat mahupun menjerut keberadaan perjalanan-nya.

**

66 Tonnes of Weight

"Honestly, I miss my childhood times, when everyone was honest and free. The only competition among us was how to be unbeaten in games."

"The games have changed now. Everyone is rival to each other. Everyone is racing to be on top. They make comparison."

"There are no more honesty in friendship."

"People create pictures of how life should be. They put every beautiful things they could possibly imagine. But sadly, at the end of the day, they find it as hollow as their soul."

"They could not find the missing pieces."

"Happiness is never a destination...," she said, delicately, almost a whisper, in the loud continued noise of a restaurant --- the chatters, the clanking of glasses and plates, the shouting from illegal waiters --- and she added, "It is way of life...".

I grinned my approval, because I had already said it before. At times. I raised my glass high, like setting for a toast, and drank.

She smiled upon my reaction, reminiscing the older days.

"Live your life. Embrace them. Beat them in pleasure. Enjois. Indulge. Be gratified. Smile. Never regret. Bla bla..," she mumbled.

"How could I always forgotten about things I love and celebrate the most, eh?"

I sighed. I grabbed my elbow, as if I was cold.

"Life is like dreams. It feels like just yesterday I was introduced to pornography. Now everyone is whining about kids, babies and money, money, money---" I said.

There was an awkward silent between us. I was longing for her to break it.

"What's wrong with that smirky face?" she asked out of sudden. "Remember? It was you who said that to me last time!"

"When you were younger, you talked a lot of bull craps. You wanted to change the world. You were against the popular opinions. You were odd. You listened to hard sound. You created your very own philosophy. You fancied the idea of being different---"

"Things have change," I said.

"No, you don't change!" she replied, almost shouting. She rolled her eyes as they were going to pop out of its socket.

**

"How can you be so diss---"

"Oh, please. If I ever to pick up an argument, I will find a better adversary," I rushed into the sentence. I did not want her to finish the statement.

She nodded reluctantly. It had been quite some time since I last met her. We were both preoccupied in redefining the meaning of existence. We were both desperate to make an impact.

She utterly distracted by my absurd responses.

She had driven alone all the way from the city to this outskirt town. Unfortunately for her, I was on difficult time. The world had been harsh on me for so long, I thought.

I was not in good shape. My concern was at somewhere else. I was not intrigued by domestic affairs. I was not interested in small mind.

It may sounds ridiculous; I feel silly to entertain things that I have thrown away.

Well, if you give me peanuts now, surely you'll get monkeys.

"I hate statistics. It always does not reflect the reality, the truth."

"It only represents the speaker, the presenter, the abuser."

"Debating using statistics only makes you feel winning. You will successfully impress people when they see and hear about numbers and figures."

"Technically speaking, you are deceiving them!"

"But look, it does not last for long. At the end of the day, when the result takes over, it crushes all fantasies and lies."

"You can't calculate future, can you? That is why the arithmetical value ends at infinity."

"It may sounds cheeky but trust me, this is for you to think and make a wise decision---"

"We are bound by divine ordinances."

**

"Darwinism is totally distorted but it is still taught in school. Some of the scientist and science scholars spend their whole life time to deny the existence of God. And we learned from their corrupted books."

Earlier conversations about investment and monetary manipulation and all --- a manifestation of financial freedom --- suddenly changed and turned into something more serious and I hate it. It always make me look like a monster, a grumpy old man who hold grudge over the simplest thing.

"What are you trying to suggest?" she asked.

I shrugged my shoulder.

I put out my nicotine pack and lit another one.

"As human, it breaks me to witness the death, the tragedy, the diseases, and the disaster."

"I always wonder why can't we live as one, in peace and harmony and love. Why some of us would like to have created conflict, and waging war against another?"

"It makes clear to me when I started to read and study the history. And it becomes clearer when the sources are varies."

"An astonishing discovery? Is that what you are trying say, isn't it?" she asked.

I stopped my ranting. The blue smoke from the cigarette was curling around us. The smell of burning tobacco provided me momentary strenght and momentum to continue.

"Hh--hmm. Then what?"

"We are taken hostage without we ever know it!" I said before clearing my drying throat.

**

I began to unravel my version about reality. It was not a wise decision. I had to transpose the purpose of the meeting to a new level of discussion.

It really was not a good three hours catch up.

"I did not know about this and I am not sure," she said, unleashing her uncomfortness. "You are scaring me!"

"No, I am not," I replied. "We are living in very sophisticated lies! Things have been staged!

"You have to make a wise choice."

"You are nuts!"

**