Last Supper

I read a lot of stuff regarding religions and spirituals. For some reason, they always catch my attention more than anything else.

I am a logic person, but I understand that certain thing requires faith to believe. Not everything can be explained in naked view -- like proton and neutron, nobody sees them literally but we can clearly explain its existence within the use of numbers and figures.

So, in my opinion, religion is not a blind faith. Faith comes later after several tests. And God and science must be parallel because He creates everything. He creates science There's no way of mistake or wrong or unknown.

What left is only undiscovered theories.

I find some stories in my reading are really amusing, and some of them are really confusing, and some of them I can classify them as undoubtedly misunderstandings.

Well, some of them are really inspiring.

One of the beautiful fact is, almost all religions have the similarities, including Hinduism and Zoroastrian -- especially the stories about Abraham (I will discuss later).

Last night, I watched 'The Passion of the Christ', again, for tenths of times. It was a brilliant Mel Gibson's piece in depicting the life of Jesus before the crucifixion took place.

In Christianity, they believe in Jesus -- the savior, the God, the Creator.

After watching the movie, like always, apart from its amazing screenplay, I can't help myself from questioning. There is something really wrong about the foundation of this faith I believe.

Christianity is a monotheistic religion as claimed. It means, there is only one God to be worshiped to.

Three Abrahamic religions -- Jewish, Christianity, and Islam, share the same God. But, they are different in practical and ritual.

As we all knew, Jesus prayed. If Jesus was God, how could He pray to God? Was Jesus praying to Himself? To whom He spoke to, and to who He sought for refuge?

Why God asks for forgiveness for the sin of others? And wait, why God asks for forgiveness in the first place?

Was Jesus a schizophrenic -- talking and mumbling to himself -- creating a vision as a sin-bearer (for His own creation!)?

I understand that this movie was intended for entertainment purpose. But in other side of the coin, it potrayed God was weak and powerless -- He failed to save himself and now, his followers said he came down to earth to save humanity!

Christians believe he was crucified, and died on the cross. God was killed? Does it means, the creator of heaven and hell and everything that crawl between it, was dead?

"He died for our sins" and how about the original sin? He had sacrificed Himself for all men, but now it seems like He did not accomplish the sin thing perfectly.

It doesn't make sense to me. I think this is wrong. So I begin my comprehensive search for the answer on this mystery.

In Jewish tradition, Jesus was no God. He was not anyone. Instead, He was a blasphemy. In Islam, Jesus was a prophet, a messenger of God -- a chosen man to receive His revelation. There is no way of God in human form. God is beyond depiction.

I stumble upon the idea of trinity -- the Holy Father, the Holy Spirit,  and the Son. The three in one, one in three thing is the most ridiculous amongst of all the doctrines. It contradicts with the idea of oneness of God.

It against simple mathematics.

Since God is so powerful, why He needs to be so many things -- at least in three different forms -- to deliver His message? Why can't He just be Himself?

Why would He come down to earth, degraded Himself like his own creation, and be killed by His own creation?

Why He needs three days to resurrect? Why He resurrect?

It says you need faith to believe, but my mind says, "a Proton car will never transforms to a Benz by faith."

I feel uneasy and uncomfortable in many aspects, but I keep on searching. I say, "God is much much better than that."

I read the story of nativity, and the creation in Genesis, and keep on going. I try not to treat the stories unjust. I try to be unbiased.

They were in Old Testament.

Then I stop. It goes from weird to absurd, to obscene. I was shocked to know the stories about Noah (he was an alcoholic), Lot (he committed incest with his daughters) and David (he had sex with one of his army's wife and set up a plot to kill him) and which were purely immoral and disgusting.

In Islamic tradition, the prophets are the one who guide you to the straight path. They are examples to be followed.

And as men of God -- persons who carry the words of God -- they are protected from bad doing and sinful deed.

But anyhow, in Old Testament, let alone its peculiarities, it clearly states that there is only one God to be worshiped. There is no trinity.

I continue. I go through Mark, Luke, Mathew and John. I also read about the histories, the personnel, the church, the book of act, and so on and so on.

I feel like I was having an intensive class -- a crash course -- for Christianity.

Because there are so many versions of the Bible, I start to ponder; Who are the writers of this books? Are they authentic -- purely from God?

I find more and more puzzles.

Then after days of trying to decipher, I slowly close and push away all the reading materials and with a slyly smile, I shake my head three times and whisper, "God is great, God is great."

How dare you, Paul?

And who the hell is Santa Claus by the way?

Faultlines Should Be Wore With Pride

I am very fond of religion. I believe, God does exist.

I am born Muslim, but it doesn't make me stop to think about other beliefs.

I always wonder what are they doing in other religion? What are them? What is their ultimate achievement?

How do they see life?

So I start to go deeper in Buddhism, just to understand what it is all about. I turn my head to Chinese. As a second biggest proportion in Malaysia's population, I can't be wrong, and I think it would be much easier for me to have the picture.

I failed miserably to get the real answer when I talked to a few Chinese. They didn't seem to know what were they doing or worshipping.

Most of the Buddhist here has converted to Christianity, and started to live with Jesus. And they changed their names to English names, not Jewish (Jesus was a Jew). However, they still celebrate Chinese-associated holy days.

After doing some reading, I travel back in time to India, the origin birth-place of the belief.

I have found some interesting yet disturbing fact -- not just about the karma and reincarnation thing -- and I am pretty sure not many of us knows about this, even its devotees.

If atheism is the absence of belief in gods, then every Buddhists are, indeed, atheists.

Traditionally, even the religion was derived from Hinduism (another belief which I will discuss later), Buddhism dismisses the concept of God, it rejects oneness of God, and it never mentions about the powerfulness of the Creator. God actually, is not an essential part of the religion. God plays no role in one's life. God has no influence, and even if He does, He lives in another realm -- and He eventually cannot do anything.

The only goal of life in Buddhism is to achieve nirvana -- which I think it is easier with the help of marijuana.

Buddhism is not about either believing or not believing in God or gods. Rather, the historical founder of Buddhism, Siddhartha Buddha taught that believing in gods was not useful for those who seek to realize enlightenment.

There is also nothing in the teachings of the Buddha that suggest how to find God, the owner of the universe.

As I go on with the reading, I notice that I don't find the importance of God in any term at any place.

In other words, God is unnecessary in Buddhism theology!

Well, there are a lot of things coming to my mind since. How do they pray then? To whom are they praying? If they commit sin, to whom are they should ask forgiveness? What is sin by the way? Who is set up the standards, the moral? And the burning of incense tradition, food-giving practice,  fire-crackers and all other superstitious rituals, surely are not for God, because God is not worshiped and not needed, according to the teachings!

So I come to the conclusion. I critically don't accept Buddhism is a religion anymore. It has no prominent god. It doesn't promote god. It is more to, er, the way you choose to live your existence -- a philosophy, a thought, a human-made rules to put some meaningful purpose to life, a no-god-interrelation concept -- which just like any other ism in the world, you might find more questions rather than answers when you start digging its truth.

I don't know, but as a human being, for something that unbound by divine orders, sects, and regulations, I strongly feel that Buddhism is a loose, anti-gravitational, unsound, and hollow ideology. The lack of God element in its foundation is confusing, distracting, contradicting, and conflicting, and the structure and fundamental are not solid, chaos, and indistinct -- to be regarded as a religion.

How are these personal attainment ideas captured so many hearts back then in China?  And why are their monks play more kungfu when they are supposedly practicing peace?

Someday You Will Find Me, Caught Beneath the 'Landslide'

"Well, get a grip. Don't get carried away. Don't stuck in moment. Past is past and it is over."

"Use your muscles to generate positive energy, good thought and fresh vibe."

"What you think is how thing will grow."

I never fall in love with motivational talk. They just say something you are dying to hear. They also love to potray all the good things just as in heaven.

Talk is cheap, yeah, everyone can talk.

"Do not giving up. Your time is not now. Your success comes late."

"Yours, tastes best!"

But somehow at this time, I'm still trying to comprehend his words in a very 'polite' manner. Being a scenic walking creature, it is hard for me to not to be influenced or succumbed to skeptical thoughts or provocative ideas.

He wore a white in colour robe. He had a clean, calm and glowing beardy face. He smiled all the way.

He must be an angel.

I secretly hope he was right in what he had told me earlier.

Wait, I was not in any forum or talk or seminar or crash-course. I was having my 'day to day basis thing just to celebrate my bore existence' in my favorite coffee shop.

I meet numerous people with many backgrounds. They are from different walk of life. What I love about meeting unknown people is, they always open new door in my desperation need of truth.

They inspire me with their captivating words, their extra-ordinary stories, their brainy insights and opinions, and the way they react and submit themselves over what had they been through in their life journey, is giving me something to ponder upon.

Life is lonely, dull, monotonous, and fucking routine. We are all drunk in it, and this kind of people is like a lime juice to keep you sober and awake over a strong intoxication.

But, not every meeting is a worth meeting. You must know when to get away from a non-conversation conversation.

Some of my friends wonder about my friendly behavior towards strangers. They don't know how to start or to prolong the conversation. They don't know how to react in a proper way.

They ask me for a tip.

I give them a middle finger.

Like I always say (perhaps propagate), I'm a people magnet. People talk to me because I am look-like their backyard boy.

I am a typical Malay boy in the street.

Or maybe the way I see things is not like what they are designed to see.

When I see people, I see chance. A chance to manipulate or exploit or vice-versa, and to learn something out of it. And it really does help me to understand about something, about big picture, about purpose -- the things you had missed to realize in every day life.

Life, like we have always been told to, is like a big puzzle, and we are all searching for its missing pieces --which is scattering all over in unexpected places -- and I believe, when the riddle is deciphered and the truth prevails, it will makes you wiser and better person.

Oh shit, I'm getting really old now.

I Bear the Burden of Being the Voice that Let You Know

New dawn has arrived, and I'm waiting for the sun to arise,
I begin my day with a question about how to live life, or it just another day to survive.

Cloud hangs over, and my lung breathes dust more than ever, Nothing seems clearer, and nothing seems sober,
Everywhere I go, I hear a whining and alarming sense of emergency and fear,
No, trust me, they will never give you a proper answer.

So, pardon me. Bring me a gun. Load the bullets in. Pull the trigger. Kill your doubts.

"Love is not a fate."

I wait at the bridge. From atop, I watch the cars pass. One by one.

I wonder if she might be.

"Head or Heart?"


Blogging, nampaknya tidak lagi semeriah seperti di awal kemunculan blogspot. Ramai penulis-penulis handal, kritikal dan berpengaruh telah menghilangkan diri, lesap entah ke mana -- mungkin saja telah tumpul idea atau sibuk berusaha membina keluarga.

Tidak dinafikan, aku rindui tulisan-tulisan bermutu.

Hmm, barangkali hanya aku saja yang masih menulis.


Hello there, adakah aku sendirian di sini? :(