Malam yang kian memekat dengan kesunyian, tubuh yang makin melesu dengan kepenatan, dan hati yang perlahan-lahan larut dalam hangat kerinduan, Happiness di sebelah-ku, dalam dakapan-ku, di atas lengan kiri-ku, tersenyum, aku di sebelah-nya, menilik raut-nya, tangan kanan-ku memeluk tubuhnya, dan lengan kiri-ku dipinjamkan sebagai alas kepalanya.

Aku lepas-kan nafas yang kian memberat. Fikiran-ku sarat belayar dengan seribu satu beban withdrawal. Sangkar rusuk-ku penuh dengan bidikan-bidikan asmara cinta sang cupid.

‘I love you’ – dia bilang sebelum mata-nya terkatup rapat.

I rasa terbenam. Aku rasa hidup kembali. Sempurna. Mutlak. Terlepas.

Terbebas.

Oh, kalau wujud masa-masa yang indah, ini adalah salah satu yang terindah.

‘Rest, honey, rest’ – aku kata dalam hati, dan aku hadiah-kan satu ciuman lembut di pipi-nya.

Perempuan, tiada apa yang aku sangat kesal-kan dalam hidup; kecuali terlewat mengenal diri kau.

Selamat Hari Lahir, Hati.

A Diamond in the Shadow

The war is around the corner. The time draws closer and quicker. The angel of death now comes nearer. Fire will catch both sober and stoner.

O dear! When life gets sour and bitter, when life turns disaster and uglier, shall we meet again in laughter?

Shall we cherish the moment and fill it with tender?

Shall we sing and drink and pretend it is never over?

Or we just find the very reason to surrender?

There's an ocean on my left side, on my right side and on my back side. I am in the middle. The shore seems so close yet so far.

This is the journey. The destination is  always not the best thing, it is all about how we reach there and be there.

And how we see and how we perceive. And how we react.

Would you like to take a leap?

"Why with the sad face?" I asked a friend of mine one day at a mamak stall.

He did not respond immediately, instead he took some time to answer.

"I don't know where my life is heading," he said. His breath consisted a big frustration.

"I have no possession. My salary is just enough. I drive my parent's car. I still live in that hut ---"

"Now, I am a father of three. Next year, the oldest one starts schooling. My wife is not working ---"

I listened to him with patience. He looked older than his age. He was depressed, I thought.

He was not a failure. He was a bright bloke. He excelled in studies and I always envy his achievement back then. If fate had not slipped, he might be in well position in big jaw-dropping company.

Obviously, I was not a perfect person to ask for a fortune cookie. In fact, I was worse than him -- physically, spiritually, financially, or even in planning my future.

I lived in debts and the universe was against me whenever I started something. Somehow, I found that I had no grudge since I stopped doing anything.

He was drooling waiting for my reply.

"What is your biggest fear?" I asked him after awhile.

He pulled out another cigarette and hanged it between his lips. There was no more expensive nicotine pack on the table. It seemed like everyone is switching to contra-band brand and pretending to smoke the best tobacco on earth.

"I am not living my life as I should. I am screwed up ---"

"I have no saving. I don't own a house. My car is a wreck ---"

"My kids are growing up and start demanding. If anything happens to me, they will surely suffer more ---"

"What if I die...?"

He started to whine and compare with our peer group. His life has turned bitter, he said. He wanted to be like others. He wished he could join the race.

He fancied the idea of being a real man -- law abiding citizen, good job and steady income, big clean house with maid and yard, comfortable vehicles to move around, mortgage, insurance, health plan and health care, abroad vacation, smooth and swift life path, retirement scheme, investment in real estate, low cholesterol, tax payer, first class of education, full of love, etc etc -- a picture of normal in most people imagination, or television, or commercial advertisement.

To say that I understood and felt all his worries and anxieties was not an honest answer. To say that I endured the same thing was also not an absolute truth. Apparently, we were on the same boat going to the same destination, it just, he had brought another four extra baggages.

"If this is His plan, I hope He had a better plan ---," he whispered.

"My friend," I said, "God has saved you!"

He rolled his eyes and said, "I don't get it."

"Do you think God is wrong, and He is not listening to you?" I asked.

"I would like very much to agree, but it is a matter of faith," he replied, giggled.

"My dear friend, God is saving you!"

"I really don't get it!"

"If you think much deeper, it is really-really great to have nothing in this world, in this system," I said.

"I really-really don't get it. Are you drunk or on something?"

**

It is not surprising to realize how far we had been misguided. The life as we knew and went for, is not the life which God has established.

"To acquire most of the things you ever dream of, you must get involved in one of major sins."

"Nowadays, many people don't give a damn about our monetary and banking system. They embrace them as norm, standard, and acceptable. But it is not."

"To finance the car, the house, the loan, the business, banks usually practice riba', usury or interest. That is how they make profit. That is how they survive."

"Allah has declared war on those who give, take, or even the one who write interest."

"Qur'an deals with riba' in 12 verses, the word appearing eight times in total. God treats riba with severe punishment, with enourmous rage, not like any other sins after shirk. Can you imagine that?"

"Are you suggesting we are all going to hell? How can I own a property without the system?" asked my friend.

"It is not for me to answer, it is not for you to decide, but when you have a strong faith, what is wrong is wrong. Buy with cash!"

"How about the Islamic banking system?"

"Would you like Allah, The Almighty, to wage war against you after He has made it abundantly clear that riba' is haram?"

"But isn't it more transparent in Islamic banking, I mean, we have everything in details -- where the money goes, where they invest and all?"

"You cannot simply change the name and put an Islamic name to it to make it halal. A pig is still a pig even it wears a cow's outfit. And it is not about where the money, or the fund goes, it is the riba'! It is the interest, the system!"

"And remember, the devil always in the details."

**

It was quite a tensed session. There was too many questions and too much arguments. We did not share the same view and understanding and I was happy because it reminded me of the past.

"I am not going to be religious or something. But I thanked God because He has saved me from this heinous and poisonous system, and excluded me from His wrath."

"That is why I said, you should be grateful earlier. Can't you see how much He loves you?"

"Everytime, God knows better, He is The Most Graceful, and it is not because of you cannot afford to commit the repayment schedule, but, He chooses you and picks you out from this great, great sin, this evil temptation."

"How does it feel to be the chosen one?"

"You are always good with words!"

"And you are always good in arguing!"

As time passes, as new memory grows, as the whole picture changes, as childhood imaginations collapse, you have come to acknowledge something strange -- something that had been shaking off your balance and gravity from the day you were given abilities to sense.

I call it, an Emptiness.

"Why am I not truly a happy person?"

There are a lot of geniuses tried to define and decode the meaning of happiness. There are also many pseudo-intellects out there make fortune by telling people what happiness is all about. The sad truth is, all of them provide no absolute answer, or they are just hitting around the bush, and some of them even living in miserable life.

Some of us do not care about what is what -- I am not that interested in such 'philosophical' discussion as you, they say. I just live and live and I am good, add them.

I never blamed them. Obviously, they survived. For most of them, wealth is the key. Money is the root of all. In a way, I found a reason why I am not on top of the list of their friends.

For me, I always intrigued by a real and thoughful discussion. If someone raise a question about what happiness is, surely I will not answering like Mr-Knows-All. I will sit and listen to his or her version first and present mine later. How in the hell I know if I never had tasted it?

Perhaps, happiness is just a statement, built in mind games. It is not a product. You know it by heart, but it is nowhere to reach.

In my thousands of days of existence, I do not see Happiness is coming. What I do see, there is, more and more headache growing and brewing one after another and there is no way of escaping. Exactly like Buddha once said, life is ongoing suffering and constant struggling.

Wait, again, what is happiness? How does it feel or look like? Why I always miss it?

Or maybe I have given a wrong interpretation on Happiness. I have put a wrong definition and most probably, I have carelessly and mistakenly associated it with Freedom.

But, how possible can we achieve Happiness when we are not in Freedom?

How the state of Happiness be like when there is no Freedom?

And if there is no Happiness, why are we not living in Freedom?

And yeah. Well, the easiest way to answer is, say la vie -- that was what the Frenchmen said in Kapas last time in our three and half hours of talking about culture, food, war, world, religion, conspiracy, and life.

So, "Say la vie.''

How I wish I could choose and stay, freeze the moment from goes astray, kiss you and hug you until we both grow old and grey, and be the one who listens to your final say.

 

"How many special people change? How many lives are living strange?"

"Where were you when we were getting high?"

Hey senja yang muram, bergembira-lah!

Kerana malam sedang menjemput-mu hilang!

P. Kapas, 30 Mei 2016

Ia sesuatu yang menggelikan hati dan kadangkala menjelekkan, bilamana seseorang cuba menyerang pendirian dan pemahaman kamu, dengan cara yang tidak cekap dan cermat.

Menggunakan kata-kata bijaksana orang lain dan menampal atau mengongsinya di dalam aplikasi-aplikasi sosial, tidak semestinya mencerminkan pemikiran, orientasi, mahupun intelektualiti kamu. Selain memenuhkan storan simpanan memori telefon bimbit dan menghakis jangka hayat bateri, tiada apa suntikan kewarasan yang dapat dikekalkan mahupun diekstrak ke dalam diri.

Di dalam musim setiap orang terdorong untuk menjadi orang pertama tahu itu ini, atau musim-setiap-orang-terinspirasi-mahu-jadi-inspirasi-kepada-setiap-orang, aku cuma mampu geleng kepala. Kebanyakannya, hanya jari yang pantas berbicara dan berkata-kata, selebihnya sebagai cubaan menduga reaksi orang lain, dan jika ada yang ter-umpan untuk turut serta menyambung kata, maka konversasi seterusnya pasti tidak berpunca -- hanya seloka, lawak jenaka dan gelak ketawa; masing-masing bertungkus-lumus hendak memanjang gurau dan senda.

Dan paling menyenak-kan, ada  yang lanjut sehingga berpagian!

Seperti Momus, semua mahu kekal dalam kelongsong fikir manusia-manusia lain walau dengan sejuta kejalangan!

Jadinya, jangan salahkan aku jika aku memilih keluar dari set perkumpulan-perkumpulan di dalam aplikasi talian bimbit dan media sosial. Ya, ia satu penghormatan untuk diterima-masuk menjadi ahli, tetapi mungkin kerana aku seorang yang gagal memahami, lantas terus saja bersifat mencemburui kefanatikan sebahagian kamu dalam berdiskusi.

Mungkin juga aku yang tidak terkini dalam menilai istilah sebentuk modernisasi kemesraan dan langsung terasa asing di dalam merayakan kaedah tata-bicara sosial terbaharu dunia.

Tidak, aku hanya mahu kita lebih terghairah menjadi cerdik, dan bertanggungjawab dalam menterjemah teknologi ke dalam kehidupan, bukan terhamba merayu mengejar dambaan pengagum!

Oh ya, dan satu lagi, jangan hina kepintaran aku dengan solusi-solusi dangkal dari pelacur-pelacur perhatian di dalam facebook. Hidup kita bukan di-tentu oleh orang yang tercandu untuk memandu.

Dalam aruhan khayal intoksikasi minimal, di parking lot di sebuah rumah kelab kawasan perumahan separa elit di pinggir ibukota, aku kata-kan pada dia: “I’m trying to define what I feel about you now.”

Dia pandang aku, tersenyum, dan menyalakan Marlboro Light duti percuma; sambil menunggu aku untuk menghabis-kan kata-kata.

Aku tarik dalam-dalam puntung nikotin yang tersemat di antara jari telunjuk dan jari tengah dan muntah-kan asapnya ke depan. Air tin minuman genius yang berbaki suku aku sudah-kan dalam satu tegukan.

“Dear--” aku kata, separuh berbisik, “I really can’t get you out of my mind. See, I think about you all the time when I’m sober, and now, I still think about you--.”

Dia masih senyum, diam sejenak, tarik asap nikotin, buat-buat muka disbelief, dan kata, “You are drunk!” dan kembali senyum.

“Suka merepek!” dia sambung lagi sambil mencubit isi lengan aku.

Aku turut senyum. Mata-ku tekun memerhati gerak-geri-nya. Dan momen itu telah buat aku tersedar satu lagi perkara berharga tentang dirinya.

She’s lovelier when she smile.

Deru enjin yang menderum lima jam tanpa henti, memudik di tengah-tengah hamparan luas dada tasik yang kehijauan, saujana mata, dan menggerunkan, di bawah bahang terik matahari yang seolah-olah sedang ingin melempias kemarahan terpendam, bersama kelompok-kelompok pertemanan yang berlainan akal, pengalaman, serta tatacara menangani kehidupan; terselit aku yang mahu menduga nikmat rasa dan mengintai kebenaran.

Malam di persimpangan Cacing dan Terenggan, mencerap jutaan bintang yang bertebar di langit terang -- antara pertempuran mahu terus kekal bejat dalam huru-hara atau waras dalam celaru -- ada satu bisik, cermat menuntun dengung dalam memberitahu --

"Setiap kita telah tertulis atur, kadar, dan edar-nya. Siapa kita untuk membida secupak hikmah ketentuan-Nya?"

Rebah, bangkit, aku tidak mahu meminjam bicara bijaksana yang membuai dari sang penglipur lara. Aku tak mahu terpedaya dengan magis pesona kata-kata sang hamba.

Aku tak mahu Jibrail membentang sayapnya untuk aku menyingkap tabir rahsia ke syurga.

Cinta, seperti mana juga kebodohan, tak perlu di war-war. Ia, semulajadi bingit dan membingit-kan.

Salah-kah untuk aku jatuh, dan diam untuk alam?

Kenyir, April 11, 2016